Wednesday, December 7, 2016

The Dark D

I saw him yesterday, enter through the doors of the ICU . He rushed in, the curtain separating my Doddas bed blew open and he engulfed her. She clinched her tummy in excruciating pain. In unison both my aunts and my mother, started chanting mantras. All different or probably same, I didn't understand. They three held her-  hands, legs, pressed her stomach and 'she' my Dodda, though in pain, was mumbling gods name herself. Then suddenly he left...
It was as though the counter power of prayer pushed him out of the room. He came back at least thrice in the 1.5 hours I was there. Every time he came, I stood stiff holding back my tears and slowly realising the intensity of the ultimate truth.
It was my first close encounter to the process of dying.
Until the age of 25, I didn't fear death.. then I fell in love. One door of emotion opened up and they all poured in. Yesterday as I returned home from the ICU, I was overwhelmed with fear. As a counteraction I wanted to disassociate myself with love.
I cried all night and realised I cant do it. The dark D will keep doing his work and attack every loved one. Until then, fear and helplessness need to lie low, somewhere difficult to find!  

Sunday, December 4, 2016


I have always wondered what the actual meaning of 'love' is. Yesterday in our school whatsapp group, there was a discussion on, ' I wonder how you can fall in love only once!'
I agree you cannot fall in love only once. If I could say, I probably fall in love everyday. And when I do so, I really feel good and sleep well.
So I decided to define this feeling through all the attributes that I feel it represents. First is 'chemical reactions'. I believe like we have the universal donor group of O+, some people possess chemicals that universally attract other chemicals. Its already in the DNA. Infatuations could fall under this category.
Second attribute is 'attraction'. This includes all physical features, like eyes, nose, hair, height, color of skin, gait etc etc . Going a level deeper, this could also include qualities that you yourself don't possess and have always aspired to have. This usually falls under the head of 'talents'. A talented person is usually liked and loved by a lot more people.
There are accordingly to me some negative aspects also that lead you to the 'love' feeling. Loneliness - being bored from your routine, lack of hobbies and not having regular healthy human interactions could make one feel the want of 'love' in ones life. Continuing on those lines, lack of sex life , may also lead you to the want of a loved one.
Any of the above attributes, either by itself or in solidarity cannot be called love!  For the simple reason that, so many other 'loves', ( like the mother- daughter, brother -sister, best friends) wouldn't make sense then. The definition of love has to be universal to take in all types of relations and passion and yet make sense to a 6 year old, 16 year old and also a 60 year old.
My objective as mentioned above, is pretty simple; When in love, I need to sleep well: 'no worries, no ifs and buts!' In the process of raising an 8 year old daughter, I have come up with this hypothesis:
Love is understanding and acceptance .
Both mighty words, with a lot of strength and weight attached.
Understanding according to me is the first big step. Once you get on there, a lot of negatives and reality gets thrown at you. Sometimes you just stop there and realise, how wrong things are. The foot doesn't raise to the next step at all. Fear, rules, society, expectations can all act as hindrances to go to the next step.
However like the birds that take flight, with openness and space one probably could go one to the next step. Like getting over the comfort zone, is a revelation; so is also taking this mighty step. When you move from the comfort to the uncomfortable and accept to learn something from it, a magic just happens!
My hypothesis, I believe  holds true for any kind of love : human- human, human -nature. human- art, human - sport, human- books, so on and so forth. So yeah, according to this, I fall in love everyday- with a new piece of music, a new dance step, a new thought, a creative piece of literature I read.
As regards falling in love with humans, I am happy falling in love with my loved ones again and again- understanding and accepting in them something new, everyday!!!!
Love  ....