Thursday, August 18, 2016


Has there been an instance where there is this one thing ( or many things) that irks you in a relationship? You feel ... 'if only.... else we would have lived happily every after' :) 

It could be your relationship with your boss, colleague, mother, father, in-laws, sister, brother, kids, husband, friends... anyone who is part of your day to day life. The irritation is affecting you , and there is no way out. 

It also could be an incident, a habit, personal behavior, choice of friends, any such thing. You also might have discussed it umpteen times, but still it continues to bother you. Some incidents could have affected you more deeply than others. And the after effect of anger, hurt, humiliation hasn't gone away yet. Confrontation has been done and you probably have received an apology and / or 'will try to work on it' too. What then?? 
Some problems you learn to deal with , you learn to live with. But I dont quite know how this works. It really hasn't worked for me; probably because I am not doing it right.  When I have tried this, the feelings kept coming back, at the slightest references or associations. It is more of a procrastination technique than solving technique.  You are fine for a couple of weeks, then there is some link up and the damn anger, negative feeling is back. So I am convinced this is not a foolproof method. 

One school of thought says 'you need to get over the sin' , but some others concentrate on 'getting over the thought of the sin'. I personally tend to the second school of thought, since it seems more foolproof.  Now I get down to .. how does one do that? They say 'forget and for give'. But you really never forget. You might forget the good times you had with the person concerned, but the few bad memories stay fresh all the time.. they just dont go.. 
Then how on earth do you forgive without forgetting??? I had to get to the root of this. I didnt want to live my life with negativity cropping up at any random time/ date/ place. 

Like in dumb charades, when you cant explain a word, you break it down... So here too I decided to break the word- 'For' and 'Give'
'For' I knew- I was doing the action for the relationship I held. 'Give' however was confusing. Anyways, I started with whatever I felt I needed to give. Anger, sadness, hurt, guilt, more anger, more sadness, more hurt and more guilt is all I could give. 

So I decided to dwell deeper. When I questioned deeper, I realised, I dont actually 'give' at all. In every relationship I 'give' something to it, only if I have something to 'gain' out of it. When a person is stupid (according to me) I shut off. When a person is boring (according to me) I shut off. When a person is artificial (according to me) I shut off. 
Whereas, when a person is knowledgeable - I am all ears; as I have something to learn. When  a person is funny - I am excited; as I getting entertained. When a person is very energetic - I am in tune; because the energy flows through me too. 

So when do I just give??? Do I even 'give' anything without 'gaining' something out of it? 
OMG, after all this, I am just a very selfish creature! This GG phenomenon is scary !
Kids are certainly out of this whole gamut of gain and give. Thats why they are lovable so universally. So we are born with that feature, but somewhere through our upbringing, growth, education we lose that. 

In management I have learnt- Maximum output with minimum input . You have to gain maximum with minimum to give. But that is for the industry, for the economics to make sense.  It is not for human beings and their relationships?? Is it???? 

I realise it is a humongous task, at the age of 38 to unlearn and reverse the way I look at things. But never the less I am going to try. I am going to try, simply because nothing else is working. Its my last resort to get over the thought of the sin. I am going to 'give ' everything 'for' the relationship I hold and see how far it takes me !

Monday, August 15, 2016


The day of independence, day of freedom. What is freedom? 

I think in very simple terms, it would be getting rid of something you don't want and making way for something you want. This could be clothes, car, accessories, people, way you utilize time, and sometimes as simple as your 'thoughts'. 

We grind ourselves in thoughts that make so much sense to us, but for an outsider is so insignificant and out of context. So we may even not want to discuss these thoughts with others. There are reasons why these thoughts come and you are more often than not convinced about having them. But what if you want to be free of it and are not able to do it?

I feel there are layers and layers of different ingredients we unknowingly mix, to make up our thoughts. Some of them being- intellect, ego, self pity, fear of getting hurt, vulnerability, self portrayed image of oneself ,  so on and so forth. 

Due to either or all  of the above mentioned traits, we dont move towards that freedom. We hold back and accumulate a lot of baggage. The right- wrong, ram- raavan, ideology ingrained in us since childhood, plays a subconscious part and we behave for some third person to feel good about us!

The question at the crux is how long can you hold on? How long can you live a life in charade? They say old age is another childhood. But why then the mutual feeling of freedom not felt with every geriatric person you meet? Like age and mind have no connection, so probably does the charade and the need for freedom. 

But what if the 'Manjolika' in you gets shaken once.. What if she is in full spirit .. and its the durgashtami night?! What if all the negative energy culminates??  What if you go over the board?? The worst nightmare comes into action and you do what you would in your purest self, going against all norms and beliefs you have led your life until now. 

The fear you confront eye to eye! The pain you go through, accept the things you cant see happening, tell aloud that you are not great. Make it known that you are not always right. Let go of whatever you feared would leave you. And just be...

The Avni comes alive! - the real you. The 'you' who is sans fear, who is okay with everything, who feels one is just a being, who feels things are happening through 'me' and not by 'me'. The one for whom, there is not just right and wrong. The one who knows the difference and can see it better now. 

There is a calmness now.. there is a thoughtless phase now..  isnt that an amazing feeling?

 Wouldnt that be real freedom???