Sunday, February 22, 2015

Double H ed life- The Heart and the Head!

One of the regrets I have today is , I am not able to express myself most of the time. This situation doesn't arise, when I am thinking from my head. When the topic in concern is that of 'logic', and  'knowledge', I never fall short of words. But when it is a question of the heart.. I really never know the answer.

After a lot of thought, of why this is the case, I have come to a very common conclusion. Like any art form, any science, or any sport; use and practice of the " body part" in question needs to be done. We as a society  are never taught to use the heart to make any decisions. You are always asked to use your head. Make the logical decision.. make the best of the given situation.. All evaluation systems are also based on this parameter only. But in the bargain, is the decision something that I LIKE?

Since this is taught to the kids right from the beginning of the education system, the foundation of the head becomes really strong. Even within the head, i would say what gets all the more attention is the left brain- the logical one! Well, after one generation of screwing up, they have tweeked the education system a little and today in my daughters school, I do see a lot of extra curricular activities included. But again this does not weigh much after high school. There is a distinct categorization made between subjects that would make your future and others that would be part of your hobbies!

Today I stand at the age of 36 not knowing what I actually love to do. I chose a career because I liked to see myself where I saw others were. I did something different from others and went and explored the world. There in the US I started questioning myself as to what is it that I really want. More than answers of what I would like to do, I just started increasing my list of things I dont like to do. On second thoughts, I felt, this was also a right way to start. Probably I will come down to something I love to do!

After 5 years of leaving behind my career, having a baby, starting my own company.. I am still pretty much confused. But I feel I am better off than a lot of people who are still in the mad rush of proving oneself against others and in the bargain totally losing oneself. Suddenly one day they will retire and not know where their life went by..

I am penning down things I like to do and doing all of them. I am pursuing dance, my childhood dream, started writing the blog more regularly, walk and play a sport, doing some volunteering work.... But again I havent got my bulls eye yet:) I hope to get it soon and devote the rest of my life to it. Until then, I have a miniature me in front of me, my 6 year old daughter.. Since the time she has started talking, she has been talking her heart out! And not only am I amazed, but also want to preserve this valuable asset in her.

If I can make sure she is able to evaluate in her head what her heart wants and speak it out and give form to her expressions, I would consider it a big achievement in my parenting skills!

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Loneliness, Ego, Tears - Growing, Oneself

At the crux of any pain is 'loneliness'. I have experienced that pain more than once and have seen that reflect in a lot of other behavior patterns in others.  My mother in law for example has led a lonely life for almost 43 years since she lost her husband. Shes from that generation where the ladies led their whole life for their husbands, for their kids, for the  'home'. From her point of you , she has done her duty and now is looking forward to someone to do their duty.. who is this 'someone'. Is it the sons she has brought up?  Is it the siblings she held on all through her life or the extended family she always thought of and did things for, over and above her capacity.

Being devoid or should I say, not having found actually what she herself loves to do she is depending on others to shoulder her. To cover up she uses her ego to show that she is  perfectly alright. Lived her life on her own till today and today also she needs no one. When in reality she is very very lonely now, much more compared to what she was in her youth. In her youth days, she was busy fighting the everyday battles of life and never realised.

Today when everybody is leading their own life and having their own stance about things, she is left all alone and she feels no one is backing her up.  Her thoughts, views are not respected and the generation gap is also glaring at her face where she cannot relate to most of the young crowd- be it children or grand children.

I have sympathy for her, but when that is all she needs from others, it angers me. Self pity is just a deep well accordingly to me where other than darkness and oneself, you see nothing. So in most of her thoughts, decisions, she either sees herself or only how negatively others are treating her.
I am not looking at a fix to make things all right over night, but I feel pampering that ego of hers is not solving the problem.

She needs to be told to look at herself atleast now. Do things she likes to do and never had the time to. The things she likes needs to be more than- TV and gossip - the 2 easy modes of self entertainment. Probably I am too idealistic and my thoughts or ideas will not work on her, but it angers me to see someone who has much more than what others have and still not trying to be happy.

Well, I really dont know how I would be at her age.. but I think the quest to know oneself and the ability to let go of things I cannot change is the least I would like to inculcate as I grow old.

Feb 12th 2015

Sunday, February 1, 2015


We Indians are one of the most tolerant nations which allow all religions to practice peacefully and we all live together under one big roof.
Is this a compliment? Or is it time to relook at the real meaning of this identity.

Today my husband and me were out on a walk and came across some people who were felling a tree. My husband the impulsive doer, went and questioned the people who were doing it and also took their photos on his phone. The workers called the guy who had given them the orders and made him speak to my husband. We just needed to know, if it was illegal or they had paper proof of cutting two huge trees.

We continued to investigate about it, when we were stopped by 2 guys on the bike, out of which one of whom was very angry and agitated. My husband asked him who he was and he just said, you come with us and was almost going to pick my husband up. In a few seconds the scene became very rowdy and he was abusing my husband as to what business he had to question him.

The scene was bad and if I was not there, probably it would have ruffled in a hand fight. In the word exchange, the guy who stopped us made a very passing comment- "who are you a great desh bhakt!"
The episode ended after some talks to higher ups in the loop but has left me very disturbed.

Why do we educated Indians not stand for any cause? Why is that we want to the perfect husband/wife/  father/mother/  son/ daughter/ administrator and in the bargain not be any of them? In the process of being perfect in every role we take up, we are scared to stand for the things that are right. What is it that is real ? In maintaining relations and in showing our very good profile to every one, are we not forgetting to look at what is right?

Either there are heroes in the society, who according to everyone can do no wrong, or on the other hand there are those who just want to make the maximum of what they have and not once stop and think if what we are doing to right.  The Heroes are the most dangerous I feel. They make it known to others that they are perfect and from within stand for nothing. People look up to them and when the need to perform comes, the hollowness is revealed- but by then it is too late.

I am a huge die hard fan of my country and haves always have loved my country. Even when i went to the US it was with the sole reason to see the world and was never difficult to make the decision to come back. But today when I see the India I am in , I am ashamed. I am not even looking up to the politicians or bureaucrats. I am looking at the simple people whom I deal with and interact with on a daily basis. If even half of them awaken and introspect before doing things, this huge nation can make so much of a difference.

Do we wonder where the trees are going? Do we wonder where the rivers are drying up . Do we wonder what vegetables we are eating? Do we wonder, how birds are going extinct? Do we wonder how we see more snakes, peacocks in the neighbourhood today? Not because you are living close to the forest, but because you are living in an apartment, where once there was a forest. Migratory birds now no longer visit the lakes they used to, because of water pollution. The vegetables are filled with pesticides, to make sure there is maximum profit in the land that is being ploughed. Plastic is being rampantly used and thrown. Do we realise it takes 1000 years for a plastic bag to decompose? Diapers and sanitary napkins cannot be completed decomposed and give out toxic fumes on burning. Is there an awareness when we use it?

We just forward the messages, which we get from one whatsppp group on to another and try to put up a face of how aware we are. ARE WE??? Even after all those messages, does the thinking in us change?

Its high time we do it. Else it will be a tsunami or a tornado or a cloud burst that will end us all and we will have nothing to give to our next generations, Teach your children to question and give them genuine answers and if they put you to shame, act on it .

Who is all pervasive, all inclusive, takes everyone as equal, doesn't change his form whoever comes to him, gives back the same to everyone- isnt that supposed to be god?? I think nature is gods best creation who stands by all gods characteristics. Why dont we respect it? Why dont we do something more for it. Lets teach the next generation to respect what our elders didnt do and what we are not doing.

There will be no pollination if you continue to burn the bees who trouble you. There will be no oxygen if you continue to build more sky scrappers by cutting trees. There will be no drinking water if we continue to pollute the rivers. Stop- Act and Speak out when you know something wrong is being done.

Feb1st 2015